Mental Health
Moorea
I wish I could go back to those moments and tell myself that everything will work out and that I would regret not being present. You couldn’t tell from my pictures what I was going through. You can never tell with anyone. And *that* is how social media can lie.
Am I Always Happy?
Someone recently asked me if I’m always happy and laughing and no, I am not. Most of my life I struggled with depression and anxiety. For me, medication only made things worse since it took away my creativity and resulted in some harmful and compulsive behaviors.
My Spiritual Journey
Raised Hindu, I resisted it in my youth since my father was a devout Hindu who felt that he could beat the shit out of me and then pray for forgiveness and it would be okay. We moved to basically an all white/Christian community and I found myself going to church - at one point nearly 3 times a week.
Extroversion and Introversion
In order to acquire the skills it takes to be an artist you have to be okay with being by yourself. I think this plays a key role in artists being in touch with themselves and their emotions. We dive deep in them. We don’t try to escape them but rather we channel them into our art.
Columbus, Ohio
Why did I leave? Looking back, the move to San Francisco was necessary. I needed to run away and start over. I needed to figure out who I was without constantly being reminded of my past.
Phone
I feel like I’m being controlled by it. I don’t like that feeling and so I rebel on the weekends and take the control back.
Space
I have learned the value of space. Space from people, space from work, space from social media, space from my own thoughts. By clinging on to people, work, and other attachments I lost my sense of self for a while.
Psychedelic
Colors make me feel joy. Pure joy. Perhaps the way people feel when they take psychedelic drugs. I’m addicted to the process - especially with resin art. When I drop the vibrant inks into the resin and watch it take form, I stand there transfixed and nothing else matters. The colors make me present; and when I am present, I am joyous. How could I not be? Life is magical when I create.
Valkyrie
“I live out loud now because I was forced to be silent for so long.” For me, living out loud... writing about it constantly & painting about it helps me. Others heal in ways that are not visible.
Profound Sadness
“I’m going through something very powerful, emotionally, and I’m pretty fucking grateful for that because it’s a reminder that I’m human, and I’m sensitive, and I have the emotional complexly to actually feel profound sadness”
Empathy for Lona
I thought about what it must have been like to be a 4 year old little girl taken away from an extended family that showered her with constant joy and love to then meet her father in the US - a man she didn’t know & who brought terror into her life - in a country that was completely foreign and with no money, immersed in a language she did not speak.
Chaos
I love to create because no matter how chaotic or even tragic life can be, I know that I am bringing beauty into the world. It was always my escape as a child. If I find myself spiraling about anything, I think of art and I am transported to place where the cause of the spiral no longer matters. Art has helped me control and channel my emotions better than anything ever has. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, I encourage you create and I encourage you to share. Holding in that energy will only destroy. ⠀⠀
Groove
We are creating grooves within our eternally complex mind with every feeling, thought and action. I continually ask myself, what groove am I deepening now? What new groove do I want to carve out? Art is just a byproduct of my most important creation - myself.
The Present Moment
Whenever I find myself lost in thoughts that are not healthy, I bring myself to the present moment. I use all my senses to be exactly where I am. The more I practice this, the better I get.
Back to Art
Life events have that ability. The ability to take what you think you know about yourself and make it disappear. And then you are left there questioning everything. Who are you? What are your values? What are your needs?
Balance
I’ve learned that if someone withdraws to point where I cannot reach them any longer, the best way to love them and myself is to let them go in hopes that we find each other once again in the future or another life.
Toes
Ever since I was old enough to be self-conscious, I have been embarrassed about my toes. I have a genetic trait that makes my third toe curl under my second. Due to this my other toes fit improperly in shoes and become calloused.
Change
He came after me with fists, hangers and belts. The physical pain was nothing. I wasn’t afraid of it. I challenged him and stepped in front of his terror when it was addressed to anyone but me. It was the psychological abuse that messed me up.
Stress
I think it is because I was a child I was most creative when I was stressed - when I was barely surviving. It was my escape. It was a way for me to deal with my circumstances. 2 years and 10 months ago, I was desperate for an escape and like magic, art came back to me. It saved me. Now, I am free of that pain and happy again so I need the stress of limited time to fuel my creative spark.
Letting Go
Much like an archeologist, I have excavated many ideas for new paintings from within the deepest parts of my soul. inspiration is flowing out of me faster than I have the ability to capture it. ⠀⠀⠀
Brighter the Light, Darker the Shadow
When you grow up with a father who abused you daily,
When you have a father who tried to convince you that your mother's miscarriage was your fault because “God was saving the family from having another disaster,”
Transforming Reality
The other day, I was trying really hard to remember a memory and something occurred to me.
I've forgotten a lot.
Isn't our personality partly derived from the memory of our experiences? Yet I don't remember everything. So, what my brain does decide to remember and how my brain decides to remember it really drives who I am today. I realized that I am so positive because I had no choice but to put a glossy coat over my experiences. To survive I had to escape and so I've always created ...
I've forgotten a lot.
Isn't our personality partly derived from the memory of our experiences? Yet I don't remember everything. So, what my brain does decide to remember and how my brain decides to remember it really drives who I am today. I realized that I am so positive because I had no choice but to put a glossy coat over my experiences. To survive I had to escape and so I've always created ...
The Happy Panda
Happiness. What is it? I have heard many people say that I am one of the joyous people they have met. I find this comment to be interesting. I agree that I frequently have many genuinely elated moments but on the flip side I experience moments of great melancholy and that sorrow runs deep. I find that I am often hiding behind a smile or an exclamation mark...
Hidden Self
I was acutely aware of how there was a version of me that everyone saw and reacted to; yet the biggest parts of me - the experiences that shaped who I was - remained hidden.