Change
If you knew who I was, you would understand why change is important to me. There was a man in my life that is not fit to be called my “father.” He came after me with fists, hangers and belts. The physical pain was nothing. I wasn’t afraid of it. I challenged him and stepped in front of his terror when it was addressed to anyone but me. It was the psychological abuse that messed me up. It was when he tried drowning my dog in front of me. It was when he told me my mothers miscarriage was my fault. It was when I saw my own mother with a black eye. It was when I saw my baby brother cry. I acted out, I lied, I was rebellious and I hurt people I cared about.
I often look back at who I was in my adolescent years with shame but I am finally beginning to forgive myself for my actions. I was lost. And I was hurt. When Andy and I moved to California, I was relieved. I wanted to get away from Ohio. I wanted to get away from everything familiar, even people I cared about deeply because they reminded me of the person I was and times that were not good to me. Since then, I have actively worked on changing my thought patterns and behaviors. I have succeeded and I continue to change. It takes patience but I know myself now and I know how to reprogram myself when I need to. It suddenly hit me that I am grateful for it all. All of it. All of the pain I have EVER experienced in my life. It has inspired art. It has inspired change. It has created me. It continues to create me. It has gave me the strength and skill to actively create myself. Now, I am reconnecting with people from my past. I am glad they knew the old me and I am excited for them to meet the new me - the butterfly who has emerged from her cocoon.
(11.06.18)
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Also in Personal Art Blog
Interactive Murals for Kyruus
Maternity Series - Artist Statement
Color is a focus of my work for a variety of reasons, but the main reason is for healing. My father was an angry and violent man. He took out his rage on his family daily and I took it upon myself to protect my mother and brother from him by becoming the focus of his fury. We didn’t have much, but my mother filled our home with colorful art to bring radiance into an otherwise dark place. I followed in her footsteps and escaped into vibrant art of all shapes and forms. Getting into the flow of mindful art creation has been the single most important part of my healing. I hope to share the happiness that colorful art brings me with others, especially children.
